i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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