if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
