tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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