look no pants
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
