I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
