I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
