i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
