I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
