I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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