The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
