Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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