I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
