Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
