Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
