So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
