Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My balls are so social today.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
