I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
