Well douche your snatch and let's go!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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