I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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