i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
