proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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