Do you still have your period?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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