how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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