Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
