I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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