I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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