party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
