I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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