i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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