i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
