I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
