his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
