Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize