I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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