everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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