Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
