remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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