Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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