I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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