Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
