Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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