Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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