My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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