im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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