I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
