did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
