i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
