i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
