I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
