Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
