Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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