I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
