i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
