I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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