I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
