Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
