what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
