gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
