Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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