she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
