11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
