He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
