i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
