U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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