I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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