Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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