ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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