Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
