Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
