I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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