i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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