I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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